Relationship Issues

Imagine a group of porcupines walking around on a cold winter’s day. In order to keep warm, the porcupines move closer together. However, porcupines stick out their quills when something comes close to them for protection. So just as they get close enough to feel the warmth from each other, they start to poke each other with their quills. In order to stop the pain, they move away from each other, only to lose their heat and start shivering again. As a result, they search for each other and the cycle repeats as they struggle to find a comfortable distance.

In the same way, people long for connection with other people. In order to connect, we spend time getting to know people. However, as we get closer with people, we find out that they have flaws and rough edges that hurt us (The closer you get to someone, the greater the potential for conflict). So to protect ourselves, we stick out our quills thinking that “if I let you in too close, I’m going to get hurt.” Thus, we poke each other with our quills when closeness occurs. In order to stop the pain, we move away from each other, only to lose our connection with that person and start longing for intimacy again.

Relationships fulfill us the most, but they can also hurt us the most. Like porcupines, we want to be close to others, but we don’t want to get hurt. So how do you maintain healthy, positive relationships? Here are some ways that I can help you achieve that goal.

• Develop realistic expectations of others
• Establish healthy boundaries
• Become skilled at communicating in a manner where both sides feel heard and understood
• Strike a balance between spending time with others vs. spending time with your significant other, or wanting quality time together vs. needing time alone
• Gain insight around the impact that your past relationships have on your current ones
• Build courage to end a relationship that is unhealthy for you
• Heal from a past relationship